The ME i Am Is Not the Best For Them

This past week, during my devotions, I was reading the story in the Book of Acts about Simon the Sorcerer.  Simon was a man that dove head first into the deep end and gave his heart to the Lord. Once he surrendered his life, he immediately followed Philip everywhere being amazed by the signs and miracles that were happening where ever the disciples would travel. And then he was introduced to the giving of the Holy Spirit by the laying on of hands. All his life was about fooling people with sleight of hand and trickery, but here was the real deal and nothing that could be bought; even though he tried. Immediately, he was rebuked by Peter and told to repent and get his heart right with God. He was also told to deal with his bitterness and captivity to sin.

I am confident that God has never literally slapped me upside my head, but that morning, the word “bitterness” left a stinger penetrating my spiritual heart. Instantaneously, I erected a wall a defense and squawked in my spirit, “I am not bitter!” At that point God was mute and I was left to gnaw on the word bitterness all morning and most of the afternoon.  

This week has been Spiritual Emphasis Week at our language school.  Each day we have two sessions and the speaker has been talking about the importance of grace (Ironically, one of the greatest lessons that we have been trying to wrap our minds around as a family this year is the idea of “What is grace?”…this is another journal later). So, as the day progressed, the word “bitterness” would not digest. As a matter of fact, I was choking on it.

The afternoon session ended and I had some things to finish at the school; therefore, I was left to walk home by myself. I live about five blocks from the school.  As I wandered down the first block toward home, I quietly said to God, “Where is the bitterness and let’s cut it down.”  I received in my spirit, “This is nothing to be cut down, because you have done that before and it only continues to grow. Your BITTERNESS has roots entwined into the core of your heart”.  Uhhh, now what? What is that procedure like and is it going to hurt? The next block was a blur, but the following block a solution started to develop in my mind like Kodak Polaroid film. I first asked myself, “what am I carrying now and does my family deserve for me to bring it home to them?” The proceeding blocks, I began leaving my struggles along the street. It was occurring to me that this” real me” full of selfishness, conceitedness, pride, envy and other ugly stuff had no right to go home to my family. Unfortunately, they know that real me, but continue to love me and understand that I am a work in progress.  I began to confess all of my short comings and judgments. Within five blocks I had utterly empty myself, but who was going home to my family if it wasn’t me?  Here is the revelation: As each of these iniquities was pushed out, Jesus was filling up the emptiness.  This root of bitterness can only be uprooted and replaced by who Christ is.

I regress to Simon. He was not only filled with bitterness, but was held captive to sin and in the end he repented and asked for prayer in his weakness. That afternoon, as I confessed my sins, the real me that I died to and the new me were in a battle. The unity of my family is on the line. This is a daily clash, but one that I pray I never grow weary of fighting because… the Me I am is not the best for them.

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“For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again”

Deb and I were having a conversation the other night that went like this: I started by saying, “I need to start drinking more water.” Deb said, “Yea, me too.”  After a few minutes of thinking, I said, “I am going to start with two glasses in the morning, one mid-morning, two for lunch, one mid-afternoon, two with dinner and one before bed. That way I will have drunk nine glasses a day.” Deb replied, “I am just going to drink water. Did you really just plan that all out in your head? You think too much.” 

From the time I wake up until I go to bed, I am thinking; I just assumed that is what everybody else does. I am constantly planning and evaluating. I try to figure out better ways to do things. I assess conversations, I devise study plans for Spanish, I reflect on parenting and being a husband, I talk with God and the list goes on and on. This is my normal and it works for me. As I learned in a cross-cultural training class, “It’s not wrong; it’s just different.”  

There are times that I take a mental break. Over the past several years of working in jobs that are physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally draining; I have discovered that my best stress relieve is going to the gym and totally exhausting myself.  I realize that in this time I don’t think much about anything. Over the past five weeks, I have not been able to go to the gym, due to rehab on my shoulder; now what? To be honest, a little bit of a self-pity party for me.  But, I also remembered that this is a ploy of my enemy, satan.  I was reminded that the two places he attacks are the mind and the body. In the garden, he deceived Adam and Eve by deceiving their minds; however, if that strategy does not work, he will devour as a lion (attack the body). 

The past couple of months have felt like body blow after body blow. Previous to moving to Costa Rica, I had very little physical problems. In the past ten months of living here, I have had leg problems with my calf, shoulder physical therapy, a hurt knee and a sprained wrist. I know what people will say, “you turned 40. It’s your age.” I believe that that is a mind invention of the enemy.  My body is the temple of God. No wonder satan would want to attack it. This body is my house of praise. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been bought with a price: therefore, glorify God in your body.) What about right hooks; Deb in the hospital with an unknown sickness?  How easily depression is able to creep into your soul. This question remains in my mind, “Where is your praise?” 

I have this constant nudge by the Holy Spirit to remember that it is PRAISE that defeats. No matter what the circumstance may be, I evaluate my physical, spiritual, and emotional state by my praise.  If I am low on praising God, I will be low on every other aspect of my life. It is praise that defeats the enemy. It is praise that brings focus. It is praise that drives love. It is praise that overcomes heartache. It is praise…it is praise.

A champion shows who he is by what he does when he's tested. When a person gets up and says 'I can still do it', he's a champion. –Evander Holyfield

"Chubby Bunny"

     We are four weeks deep into our final trimester of language school. Our hearts are preparing to say goodbye to close friends and dear teachers in just a few weeks. We are also ready to see many cherished friends and family in the States when we visit in December. And finally, our hearts are bursting at the seams to arrive in Mexico and begin our journey in ministry as a family.   

      As for right now, the idea of treading water comes to mind, but at least we are above the water. Each trimester has presented its own difficulties and successes. We can now do more than just ask “where is the bathroom?” in Spanish. The best analogy that I can think of is Chubby Bunny:

     Several years ago, as a youth, I was introduced to the game Chubby Bunny. In the game each person takes a marshmallow and puts it inside of their mouth. To be able to continue, the person must say, “Chubby Bunny”.  Each round requires you to put another marshmallow in your mouth. The first few rounds are fairly easy, but as the game progresses it gets harder and harder to say the words because your mouth becomes fuller and fuller. For the past nine months, this has been how it has felt to learn how to speak Spanish. There are other similarities to “Chubby Bunny” and language learning. Frist of all, you have to be willing to laugh at yourself. No matter how foolish it may feel to try and speak, it is important to try. Next, you have to accept that others are going to laugh at you. This is not meant to be rude or uncaring, in most cases, it is just funny. In addition, you should realize ahead of time that things might get a little messy. Finally, you have to encourage others. There are times when you just can’t take anymore and you spit out the marshmallows, but this is not the end. That time is when it is meant to encourage others to continue to try. All along in the back of your mind, you realize that it was so much fun, you are ready to do it again.

Blessed beyond the curse,
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Ordained Appointments

Shoulder story: For the past 8 months my shoulder has been giving me problems. I have continued to stay active with sports and the gym, but I knew that something was not right with it. On Tuesday, Sept 3, I went to see the doctor at our language school. He recommended that I get an MRI. I made and appointment for the next day to have the MRI and in the same day, I made and appointment to see the Orthopedic Surgeon on Friday, Sept 6. During my visit to the surgeon, I discovered that I had shoulder impingement and a SLAP tear. He recommended that I have surgery. We scheduled it for the following Friday.    

A brief history: We have been in Costa Rica for the past 10 months studying Spanish. We just started our third trimester of language school two weeks ago. In August, we said goodbye to many friends at the school, because they moved on after graduation; however, we also got to begin new friendships with the incoming class of students.

God’s orchestration:  Each Monday we have a Bible study during our break at language school and the last thing we do is take prayer request. I ask for prayer for my shoulder and for my upcoming surgery. After our study, I was approached by one of the new students, Doug.  He asked me what was wrong with my shoulder. I was able to share with him about my issue and he then told me that he is an Orthopedic Surgeon who specializes in shoulder repair and people with my same problem. Back in the states, part of his work included working with professional baseball teams to help with SLAP tears and shoulder impingement.  He told me that he would be glad to help in any way and that he would pray for me. I was grateful for his willingness to help, but also somewhat apprehensive, because I had just recently met him.  The following day after our chapel services, another new student approached me, Matt. He told me that back in the States he was a physical therapist and that if I needed any help with therapy, he would be glad to help. (During all of this time, I just didn’t have a good feeling about the surgery) Thursday, I had the opportunity to preach and give my testimony in Chapel. Afterwards, Doug came back to me and asked how I was doing. He said that he had been praying the past few days and he did not have a good feeling about the surgery. I told him that I would talk to my primary care doctor at the school that morning and talk with him about all my new information. Doug came to my house and looked at my MRI. He confirmed everything that the other surgeon had said, but he also said that over the past 5 years that the way that they rehabilitate these types of injuries have changed greatly.  Most can be rehabbed. That afternoon all three doctors, Deb and I met and talked about my options. We decided that we would attempt a cortisone shot and rehab.  Right before I got the shot and afterwards the two surgeons and myself took time to pray together.
Tomorrow, I start physical therapy with Matt and Doug. In the past 10 months I have come to learn much about the Spanish language, but I think I have learned more about the mercies of God.

A recap: God is in control…

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...:"

One of my favorite parts of the week is my Saturday morning walk with my wife to the local “Feria”; aka Farmers Market. I enjoy going here for the company of my wife and the local fruit and vegetables; yet, the part that brings me the most enjoyment is stopping along our route and talking with the other “gringo’s” that we see on our morning trek. The Feria is only a ten minute walk, but there are times that it takes us 30-45 minutes to get there, because conversations with others. For those of us from the US, it compares to a visit to Wal-Mart. Today was different, it took us ten minutes and we saw only two gringos during the walk and our shopping. There is a reason. This week was graduation and many of the frequent travelers we would see are now in a different country following the call of Christ.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” is the opening line of the Charles Dickens classic, A Tale of Two Cities. Over the past year, our family has felt the joy and pain of this quote several times with learning how to say “good” goodbye’s and “see ya later’s” to treasured relationships that have been in the works life-long and others that only began a few months ago; however, each is deeply valued as earthly bonded and eternity united.

It was the best of times…

My heart leaps for joy that our new friends are in the next chapter of their life. These people are brilliant, passionate, loving, kind and have many admirable traits. I am excited for their ministries and the call that God has placed in their lives. Having them in my family’s life over the past several months of language school has made a difference. Social media is a blessing to be able to keep up with these folks and how the next chapter of their lives will unfold. There are even a few family’s that are going to be working in Mexico City, just a couple hours north of where we will live.

It was the worst of times…

My heart is crushed that some of these people I will never see again this side of eternity. We will no longer see their faces at school, downtown, playing sports or at the Feria. Our family is learning that it hurts to love hard. It’s hard to say goodbye and many times it just doesn’t seem fair, but it is also a process of building our character. Also, it reminds us that these times are when we rely on the Potter and His hands to comfort and form us into more of His likeness.

We have 17 more Saturday’s of walking to the Saturday morning Feria and then our new chapter will begin in Mexico. I look forward to these morning walks, because in two weeks a new wave of students will be coming to the school and new relationships will form. As well, many of our friends who are still here are now on vacation. Are walks will turn back to 30-45 minutes and “normal” will seep back. Most importantly, even though goodbyes are coming, we will not shy away from relationship building, but continue to love; for this is the most important commandment.

Matthew 22:36-40 ³⁶ Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

³⁷ Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

³⁸ This is the first and great commandment.

³⁹ And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

I'm Starting with the Man in the Mirror

Have you ever read a book and just wish it would not end? I just finished reading the Hobbit for the first time and I was intrigued throughout the entire book. I came to embrace many of the characters and have several  moments that I was cheering for their success, however; there were a few times in the book that I was let down by character flaws. I was disappointed in a decision that was made or an attitude that was projected, because I knew that the outcome was not going to be for the best. I wanted the best for the characters that I had grown so fawn of in the story. There was an instance in the book where one of the main characters was letting pride and greed fog his better judgment. It was this lapse in judgment that affected not only him but many of the people around him as well.  In the end there was redemption, but at what cost?  

I think one of the greatest tools that we possess and grossly under-use is the ability to self-examine ourselves. I was never big Michael Jackson fan, but I do recall that one of his greatest songs was Man in the Mirror. The chorus went, “I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror…I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways…And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer…If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place…(If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place)…Take A Look At Yourself, And…Then Make A Change.” I wonder how many of our problems could be solved if we started within our own self? My day should start and finish with the question to myself of what could I have done different today in who I was to those around me? Or, Did I make a difference today to those that I am around? I am confident that each day I will discover something new about myself that needs improved upon.

This morning we had communion at the church my family attends in Costa Rica and I was reminded of the importance of examine myself before I took part in this spiritual union. I Corinthians 11:28-29 But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup. For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body. This idea of self-examination helps to clear up those places in our lives where we might have a lapse of judgment or clouded thinking.

There is another tool that is also underused: the ability to accept council for the things that we are doing wrong. For the most part, folks don’t like to be told how to live or what to do. We are told to mind our own business or play the scripture card of Matthew 7, “Judge not lest ye be judged.” In continuing to read the story that Jesus is telling, he goes on to say first take the plank out of your own eye so that you can remove the sawdust from your brother’s eye. It’s ok to remove the sawdust, but it comes first from self-examining my own self. My hope is that I am humble enough to accept judgment and examine myself without this idea that I have somehow obtained the ability of perfection.

Back to the Hobbit: As a reader, it was easy to see the flaws of the characters. It was also interesting to see how unlikely people were trying to show one dwarf his error and how that dwarf was clouded in his judgment. My hope is that in this story that I am in (called life), that God will give me the grace and wisdom to accept that I am flawed and that He has placed people on this earth to hold me accountable to my clouded judgment. So tomorrow when I wake up, I’m starting with the man in the mirror.

Numbness vs Awe Inspired

An interesting reality has crept in to my being in the past few months; I have become numb. The realization of this began a couple of weeks ago when we visited an amusement park in San Jose. We were in line to ride a water ride and as we ascended to the top of the stairs to the final platform, I was prepared for what looked like a relaxing ride down the flume in an oversized blow-up tube that culminated with a refreshing ride through a lazy river; not! So there I was with Deb and four other people propelled down the slide with an innocent gentle push. To our surprise we spun, fast, all the way to the bottom for what seemed like an eternity. One of our friends in the raft recorded the event. in its entirety. What I realized about the video was that I laughed out loud all the way down. This was not a simple laugh, but one of surprise and excitement, due to the unknown events. Later that night on the way home, I thought to myself, I have not laughed like that in a long time. That was when I realized that I was becoming numb to life!

How slowly this had happened. Isn't life supposed to be filled with joy and contentment? Yet, here I was just taking it one day at a time and not being in awe of anything. I believe that this is how the enemy works. Little by little joy had been stolen from my life, but I am confident that we were created for more than the motions of existence. In the grand scope of this world it is evident that God has created a marvelous planet with an exponential amount of wonderment and awe. When Boyden was around six or seven years old we were walking up the hill to church. Deb and I had been throwing small marriage jabs at each other most of the morning and our hearts were not where they should be as we were preparing to enter into our place of corporate worship. I remember that it was a cold morning and there were large snow-flakes falling from the sky. I was having an important conversation in my head about the mornings sparing events, when from behind me, Boyden, with his head cocked back, mouth opened and tounge hanging out said, "Hey dad, have you tasted the snow?" That is awe inspired by what God has made.

What was a slow fade of joy being robbed, I have rediscovered with awe in a few days. It has only taken a few minor adjustments to go from being numb to awe inspired. First reality is: It's not about me. Second reality is: It's all about God. Joy is robbed when we quit being thankful for what we have. It only took a few days to look around and begin to truly thank God for His creation. Evangelist, David Ring put it this way, "Contentment is not getting what you want, but wanting what you've got." Each day I am waking up with a new zeal to look for awe moments of God. Interesting enough, I am finding them in the smallest things that I was taking for granted. When the focus started becoming about doing it all for Him, my problem of numbness was taken away. My challenge of awe discovering has been given to my wife and kids. We are now beginning to look for times every day to be inspired by God.

Strecher-Bearer Friends...seeing the best in people

     More and more in life I am trying to see the best in people. This past week I was praying that God would help me to focus more on being in awe of Him and less in awe of myself. One of the ways that I attempted to do this was to write down five things a day that made me in awe of who God is in the world. These are just a few of the things that I wrote down: -I saw God in the beauty of my children. They are amazing on both the inside and outside. -God showed me himself in the beauty of a small tree on my daily walk to school. I got the sense that there is not a part of His creation that He does not have a purpose for in this world. -I saw God in a friend today who stop me between classes and asked if he could pray with me. -I saw God today in people coming to clean the house of a friend who is in the hospital. These were just a few thoughts that I jotted down in seeing the awe of God. As I look over the past week of my journaling, I can see that almost all of the places that I saw God was in His people.

     In the grand scheme we all have an inner struggle of what our flesh wants us to be verses who God has created us to be in Him. There is a story in the Bible found in the second chapter of Mark that demonstrates the best in people. It is the story of the four men that carried their friend on a stretcher to come and see Jesus with the hope of being cured. When they arrived at the house where Jesus was staying, they were met with the reality and discouragement that it was a packed house! The masses of people crowed not only the entrance, but also the inner parts of the house. I think at this point many would have given up and headed home, but what is demonstrated next is the loyalty of the paraplegic’s friends. They ascended to the roof with their friend, cut through the thatch, and constructed a way of lowering the man to the one where the answers could be found. The circumstance of what was seen was not going to stop these "stretcher-bearer" friends from getting their friend to Jesus.

     I am grateful that I have these kinds of people in my life. There are times that I need to be carried and have the humility to allow my friends to carry me to the feet of Jesus; however, there are times that God allows me to be that stretcher bearer friend to others. Hopefully I can have the courage to be both of the types of people found in this story. So, it is becoming a desire of mine to see the best in people first and not expect the worst. My prayer and responsibility is to be on "Awe" alert of God and point other people to Him and His awe.

As I fall apart, He picks up the pieces

 
I don't have it together, I am far from God, I cast judgments that are not for me to cast, I battle depression, I lack confidence in myself and God, my prayer life needs work, I have envy and bitterness in my heart, I have lost enjoyment in reading the Bible and do it out of habit instead of love, I carry burdens that are not mine to carry and the bottom line is that it is a struggle to hold it together. There are times, frequently, that both spiritually and mentally I feel like I am falling apart.

Wow! That felt good to say out loud. I hope I never get to the point where I think I have it all together. In all of this I am strong because, He is I AM and I am "i am not". It is the places that I am weakest, that He is shown to be the strongest. In these past four months of starting a new journey in life exploring God's call in my life, I have discovered exactly how weak I am and how strong He is. We have left all of what is familiar and pursed the call of God to “Go”.

One of my recent thoughts has been, "do I give the image that I have it all together?" I enjoy social networking like Facebook, but my post imply that I have it together. I always show the best of my life. People see our smiles, our happiness, our successes and all the other “great” and “fun” things that we are doing. What about the tears, the hurts, failures, arguments and other unpleasantries of life that show exactly how broken I am? The reality is that I am just as “messed up” as anyone else.

I watched a video clip on YouTube a few weeks ago that was called, “Pep Talk with Kid President” He quotes The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost and says, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled…and it hurt man! Really bad! There were rocks! Thorns! Glass! My pants broke! Not cool Robert Frost!” Isn’t that life? It’s hard! Being a born again believer does not mean that life is not hard. It doesn’t mean that I’ve got it all together. There is no promise that I will not experience any hurts, failures, disappointments, obstacles, sickness, death or brokenness. But what promise I do have is that He is with me through it all; no matter how “messed up” I am.

So there it is…I don’t have it together, but my God purses me with a relentless love that is perfect. The actuality is that God can’t lose me no matter how much weakness I demonstrate. There are no petal stools in God’s love. He died for missionaries, Muslims, Catholics, Baptists, homosexuals, atheists or (you fill in the blank). He died for us all and desires that we put our faith into Him completely. In His word we find the truth and He reveals who He desires for us to be. In this thought, it is allowing God to be God and me to be me.