The ME i Am Is Not the Best For Them

This past week, during my devotions, I was reading the story in the Book of Acts about Simon the Sorcerer.  Simon was a man that dove head first into the deep end and gave his heart to the Lord. Once he surrendered his life, he immediately followed Philip everywhere being amazed by the signs and miracles that were happening where ever the disciples would travel. And then he was introduced to the giving of the Holy Spirit by the laying on of hands. All his life was about fooling people with sleight of hand and trickery, but here was the real deal and nothing that could be bought; even though he tried. Immediately, he was rebuked by Peter and told to repent and get his heart right with God. He was also told to deal with his bitterness and captivity to sin.

I am confident that God has never literally slapped me upside my head, but that morning, the word “bitterness” left a stinger penetrating my spiritual heart. Instantaneously, I erected a wall a defense and squawked in my spirit, “I am not bitter!” At that point God was mute and I was left to gnaw on the word bitterness all morning and most of the afternoon.  

This week has been Spiritual Emphasis Week at our language school.  Each day we have two sessions and the speaker has been talking about the importance of grace (Ironically, one of the greatest lessons that we have been trying to wrap our minds around as a family this year is the idea of “What is grace?”…this is another journal later). So, as the day progressed, the word “bitterness” would not digest. As a matter of fact, I was choking on it.

The afternoon session ended and I had some things to finish at the school; therefore, I was left to walk home by myself. I live about five blocks from the school.  As I wandered down the first block toward home, I quietly said to God, “Where is the bitterness and let’s cut it down.”  I received in my spirit, “This is nothing to be cut down, because you have done that before and it only continues to grow. Your BITTERNESS has roots entwined into the core of your heart”.  Uhhh, now what? What is that procedure like and is it going to hurt? The next block was a blur, but the following block a solution started to develop in my mind like Kodak Polaroid film. I first asked myself, “what am I carrying now and does my family deserve for me to bring it home to them?” The proceeding blocks, I began leaving my struggles along the street. It was occurring to me that this” real me” full of selfishness, conceitedness, pride, envy and other ugly stuff had no right to go home to my family. Unfortunately, they know that real me, but continue to love me and understand that I am a work in progress.  I began to confess all of my short comings and judgments. Within five blocks I had utterly empty myself, but who was going home to my family if it wasn’t me?  Here is the revelation: As each of these iniquities was pushed out, Jesus was filling up the emptiness.  This root of bitterness can only be uprooted and replaced by who Christ is.

I regress to Simon. He was not only filled with bitterness, but was held captive to sin and in the end he repented and asked for prayer in his weakness. That afternoon, as I confessed my sins, the real me that I died to and the new me were in a battle. The unity of my family is on the line. This is a daily clash, but one that I pray I never grow weary of fighting because… the Me I am is not the best for them.

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